I can't let the new year continue without reflecting on what the previous year has taught me. Last year was challenging but so necessary for what is ahead. My words or theme last year was "presence" and God took me on this journey where I saw the many facets of the term presence. I wasn't just challenged to be in the presence of God but I was also challenged to BE present. I didn't realize just how much disassociating was affecting me and how often I was doing it. This trauma response caused me to be in a place physically but not really present in the moment. I really had to figure out why it was happening and why I would default to that response in certain settings or situations. I did a lot of root work last year (I'm still doing this) and I have been on this messy but amazing healing journey.
I can sit here and write about how hard last year was (it was) but I would rather focus on the lessons and blessings I encountered. At the moment I did not realize how beautiful unraveling and undoing could be. God had me in spaces where I needed to be present with myself in more intentional ways. It was a bit shocking to me that I was so disconnected from myself. It was as if I was unfamiliar with who I was presently and completely intimidated by the woman I was becoming. Last year felt like a pivotal year of healing and deeper connection.
One posture that I always found myself in was this posture of performance. When I entered the presence of God I was in performance mode. I was a lowkey perfectionist. I felt like I needed to come to God perfectly. The version of me I presented was the woman who had it all together, barely asked for anything, prayed for everyone else, and could figure out my issues on my own. Why bore God with the minor details of my life? I went to God for the big stuff! Like a cease-fire in Palestine, or ending human trafficking just to name a few. I barely talked to God about my stuff and sooner or later I started to FEEL like I was the only one showing up to my quiet time with the Lord. My conversations with God turned into monologues.
I will never forget that day he confronted me in prayers. It was warm and assertive. He didn't judge me or accuse me of anything he simply asked me a question. "What are you trying to prove?" I was stumped and honestly did not have an answer. "It's like you are trying to prove something to me. What are you trying to prove?" The answer was simply there is nothing to prove! He then said, "Please don't come back here with this posture." I don't hear the Lord's voice audibly. It's more like deep impressions in my spirit that do not feel like my own. Those impressions come with words and that is how I hear God. It's mostly in my head but it feels like he is right next to me talking in my ear. It's wild! How do I know it is the Lord? I use the Bible to confirm because he will not contradict his word. Knowing God's character and that he doesn't change helps to know it is Him speaking.
That moment in prayer WRECKED ME!! I didn't know what to do. I should've seen that moment as an invitation to deeper intimacy but I saw it as wow I just got in trouble now I need to go hide. I wasn't even in trouble but I felt so guilty. The perfectionist in me refused to return to the presence of God unless I fixed it. I did not fix it. I couldn't fix myself without him. Took me months to pray again. I felt unworthy and so disconnected. After many many crying sessions and attacks on my mental health, I knew if I didn't return I would try and walk away.
The beautiful thing is God was so patient and slow to anger the entire time. Although I felt so far from Him, he was so near in that season. My broken spirit and contrite heart drew him closer to me and for that, I am eternally grateful. When people give up on us God proves himself to be faithful. God spoke to me through books, songs, friends, sermons, etc. I heard him loud and clear and I missed him so much. I decided to plan a time to meet with the Lord in the morning before work. It has been such a blessing. Every day I would go to spend time I would feel perfectionism try to hijack the moment. It's like I felt God say "There it is." When this happened I just sat there in silence and waited for the urge to pass.
God could not heal who I pretended to be. He wanted no parts in the version of me I tried to present. In hindsight, I am glad God loved me enough to bring my habit of performance to the surface. Now I am way more intentional and I'm way more present. My time with God has been more consistent and it's been a blessing reading the word and praying in the morning before work. 2023 was the launching pad so I can soar in 2024. Priorities have shifted and I feel more present than I have ever been and it's only the beginning! Thanks to Jesus and Therapy. 😄
Add your comment